God has a tendency to be a bit melodramatic. The great flood, the 10 plagues, the second coming- a little underwhelming. Pick a biblical event and re-write it from the perspective of those who came, saw, and rolled their eyes.
Hey. My name is Faddua. I’m a priest of the god Ba’al. Long story, I don’t really have the time.
Alright since you won’t stop pestering me. I spend my time pushing paper in the temple. Working in the temple is only mildly better than an office. In my free time I dream up reasons to leave work early, and don’t criticize me for it, don’t mock me for it, I’m proud, its a way to express my creativity, alright?
I already know what you’re thinking. But I’m not one of those priests of Ba’al. What I mean is, I’m religious, but not that guy. You know? Really I only joined the priesthood after loosing a bet with a roommate my sophomore year of college and degree-decisions were due, it was a rough night and a rough choice, but everybody does some things they regret, you know?.
It hasn’t rained in a few years, and the High Priest (my boss’s boss’s boss) decided to form a committee to solve the problem. He decided to appoint me, for Ba’al knows what reason. I haven’t come to any meetings yet. I can learn what I can through office gossip. They take the second half of my lunch break, and I truly just need some alone time, its my right, understand?
Our customers, those common citizens, man they are furious and want us to kill the guy who prayed to withhold the rain. The committee seems split on that question. We’re not into violence, its generally against our policy, but either way, we can at least chat with him.
So this guy, Elijah, meets us up on Mt. Carmel, nothing to do with those mini cubed caramels I sometimes take from Jeanine’s desk, but a massive mountain. Absolutely gigantic. My white-collar peers complain the whole way up. Complaining? Really? You work in the priesthood, we don’t complain here, get what I mean?
So 450 of us priests of Ba’al show up, right? And immediately this hysterical little man yells out “How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Ba’al is God, follow him.” I’m not too concerned, but some of the more tryhard priests decide to take up the challenge. We throw together an altar for Ba’al to light up, can you picture it?
Sure our fire doesn’t work that well, or work at all, but in all fairness the other guy stooped as low as implying that Ba’al couldn’t light it because he was busy in the restroom doing Ba’al-knows-what. I’m unmoved by his theatrics, the guy belongs in a psych ward not the priesthood, who let him in here, does our profession have no dignity? I’m stuck on this windy mountain instead of lounging at home. Can’t you see the problem I’m in?
He wants to kill us. I’m a little concerned now. He has a sword and he’s yelling something in Hebrew while chasing us. Whatever, you know?